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Aug. 16th, 2016

Back on Track?

Sometimes its a sucky feeling when you feel like your not motivated to do anything or hate everything around you.

Its been a long couple of weeks, but I'm doing a little better than before. I am back on track, after gaining weight, possibly from being depressed and getting all the way up to 178, today I am back down to 172. Its one of those weird things when you feel different when you wake up in the morning. Today was one of those days. I haven't weighed myself in about 4 days and knew that just simply drinking water instead of soda at work was the difference maker.

So I have to wonder if I can stay on track, but football Sundays are coming soon and they are rough, where I eat a full pizza or box of mozzerella sticks or potato skins, and snack throughout the day on chips, dip, cheese and crackers, or something else. Single life sucks, but some portions are well worth eating alone.

So I have to wonder if I am back on track??

- lostways27 -

Aug. 12th, 2016

Best

I could put my emotions into words and sentences here but since everyone csres about themselves and ONLY themselves and no one cares sbout me, I see how things are and want nothing to do with no one at all anymore.

Its going to be a while before I decide who and when I talk to anyone again,

- lostways27 -

Aug. 7th, 2016

Lottery

The most I have won on the lottery is $500 on 5 different scratch tickets.

Tonight, I almost hit Mass Cash for a $100,000 jackpot.

All I had to do was match 5 numbers out of 35.

The quick picks I got were very close.

The winning numbers were 5-10-18-34-35

One line matched the last 2 numbers 34 and 35 exact at the end.

The line below it was close, it had 5-15-19.

Its amazing how close these quick picks came to giving me the jackpot.

$65,000 after taxes would be enough to get me out of where I live right now......

Someday!!

- lostways27 -

Aug. 6th, 2016

Re-Establish

So after being told I was tranfered 2 months ago today, I had the best time at work. Its been a long 2 months with a lot of ups and downs, but I have finally adjusted, and reestablished myself as the worker I am. I am no longer afraid of certain things, I walk around like I own the place, and just destroy every task and challenge set before me.

Last night I was shopping and the store manager who gave me advanced notice a move was in the future for me, asked me for help. I respect those who have helped me grow in my company and had no problem helping him out of his problem. . . . only to find out he had requested me to work back in the store I grew up in for a day to help out next week, but denied by a member of management in my current store due to vacations others have.

As the days go by, I get stronger, conversations and friendships with new people grow better and better and some past ones grow apart. Life is full of changes, but my dominance, speed, and accuracy is what people like the most. I run a tight ship, truck to shelf, I hate backstock. I hate people who mix cases. I hate people who damage items. It didn't take long for security to notice the control I have over a department as the losses sharply dropped and I was rewarded as "Shrink Buster of the month." It might be a stupid name, but still, recognition is recognition.

As I am on the verge of getting remotivated, I've let a few things go that I hate. I gained back some weight I lost, currently up to 178, but mostly because I had a pizza the other night and I'm back on soda instead of water and with football season starting, who knows if I'll ever get back to 170 again.

Sometimes it takes a moment to rebuild and find a new beginning. . . . .

Onto the next on!!

- lostways27 -

Aug. 3rd, 2016

Lack of Interest

What do you do when you lose interest in things you used to love and enjoy?

What do you do when you lose interest in everything and just want to sleep to make the internal pains within go away?

When you go from being happy to losing your smile and hating things in life, its a cascade effect where everything is effected by the mood set by you. I'm in a downward spiral where I feel nothing is going right and everything sucks and all I want to do is stay in.

I don't even say hi to anyone anymore probably because I am fustrated with too many things in life. I wake up, I go to work, I cause chaos and I rush home.

I'd say work is the main problem in my life, hating everything in that dirty place, but thankful I left a hostile work environment where I was used and kept down and unable to shine.

Some days are better than others, but coming back from vacation, its been 2 days of fuck everything thats wrong with work and avoid everything thats bugging me.

This blog allows me to listen to music and express my opinions in an open forum to say what i want and just let my fingers go with the words.

As I question whats next and question why I am going for what I am going for and putting myself through, the writing is on the wall that compared to the shit before me, I am a God and those before me are just not even in my league. I just want money, I don't care if I put up 50 cases or 500 cases, money is all I want. I guess greed is getting to me as I just don't care anymore.

I am thankful for those who keep me on track when I am ready to throw in the towel and today I had a great chat with the Assistant grocery manager who re-assured me I'll be fine wherever I go after this store because he told me he's never seen someone order ahead like I have and come close to getting certain things right. For a store I could give 2 shits about, its going ok, some days I just want to step back down and run away like I do most of my other problems, but it sucks when you lose focus and stop caring about those in life who have been there for me since the beginning.

Lack of interest has probably become my lack of motivation problem.

I guess I should just fake a smile and pretend all is right and nothing is wrong, but its wrong to lie and deny there are problems within.

- lostways27 -

Aug. 2nd, 2016

One

Every one is one. Every person is a person. Every person has a start someplace in their live that is the beginning of their path.

In 1998 in High School, I was a Sophomore when I realized there is life with people at school after school. When school ended each day at 2:25, I walked the to set of lights and crossed the street and continued walking the walk home. When I began walking with a friend at work on May 20th, it was like going back to my past and crossing roads I haven't crossed in a long long time. But its a beginning. It was a start.

Work started in March of 2000. Sometimes I wish I left when everyone else did. Its been a roller coaster of ups and downs, love and hate, and lots of sports championship celebrations as well. Life goes on after work.

I think it was around 2002-2003 was the first work outing, where a bunch of cashier/baggers who were all the same age all went to Chili's. Little did I know then that that was the start of whats been recent in my life.

Fast forward to 2015 and there was a point in time (possibly October) that we all went out almost every weekend or every other weekend because everyone was into each other with strong friendships, great conversations, and same points of view.

As I sit here in my room ready to begin the next chapter of my life, I know they'll be better days again. The groups may change, people are in and out, and new friendships and locations are the sites of the next round. Life is too short to site in a 10 by 12 room and watch it go by.

Someday I'll find my motivation, someday I'll find my smile, someday I'll find a reason. Its a continuous theme in this blog. As the day goes on, the blood flows more and things start to happen.

Time . . . everything takes time.

- lostways27 -

Aug. 1st, 2016

Birthday

So I turned 35, I was on vacation from work,

I went out Tuesday to Uno's and Jake N Joes and was just blah....

I did a few things during the week not worth writing about.

I slept a lot, I laid down a lot. It was too hot to do anything outside related.

So I'm 35 now, and I still haven't found my positive smile again. Work sucks and it seems like its most of my problem. A store is a store, but its not the same fun environment I worked in before. I go in, I do what I do, and :53 . . . I fly out of there. Its hard to describe how I feel when I hate everything that surrounds me in that dirty store.

Its hard to describe the shitty people I find on online dating sites, but its cheaper than going to bar after bar after bar.

Too much on my mind. .. . maybe a little extra sleep will help.

Its sad when I look back at how happy I was a year ago, I had the best party I ever had with the best co-workers. 3 stops, 3 restaurants, and lots of smiles, laughs, and positive fun times. .. . . . now fast forward a year, and its a split party, where most of the group was either busy, stuck working shitty shifts, or having problems finding rides or ways to get there. I had 4 drinks, a plate of tator tots, and played a ton of games, but it sucks the others weren't there this year, it wasn't the same.

Off Tuesday, not happy with anything, probably going to sleep extra because everything sucks. I just have to find a way to get re-motivated instead of falling back into my old lost ways of my past . . . where I prefered isolation, hate, and staying in everyday.

Somedays life is happy, somedays life sucks. Today was just one if those fuck everything and anything around me days.

Work was a stress releif, just tossing cardboard within 15 feet of the baler and walking away. Some of the shit that wasn't put up with in my previous store is just the way things go now.

Hopefully I'll find my smile soon, I'm getting sick of everything and everyone.

Tomorrow is another day. . . . who the fuck knows what tomorrow will hold.

Do I search for a new job and throw away 16 years?
Do I search for a girlfriend I could never bring home to my current location?
Do I search for a new place to live?
Do I go to more places alone and just site there and eat, drink, and watch tv?

It sucks being single, and it sucks working at a shitty job where the other person doesn't do enough because he's elderly and can't life enough.

Time for bed . . . pick up tomorrow sometime.

- lostways27 -

Jul. 26th, 2016

Shouldn't be here now . . .

Around 14 years ago, I met a girl in an AOL chat room. It turns out she was actually from Massachusetts and kind of close.

For the next 3 years, we'd have endless conversations about anything and everything, but I never got up the nerve to ask her out because I had no idea what I was doing or where Framingham was on a map but still, it'll be the biggest mistake I ever made was not saying "Hey, lets meet." She has since moved away to Florida and now has a boyfriend, but I keep saying to myself, I dropped the ball on that one. We still talk, but not as much as before. Its just a shitty feeling to know that I was too relaxed and laid back and let her slip away.

Even when I was living in Winchester, we'd still talk, but again, I never met her.

When I returned home, we really picked up chatting again, but its not the same.

Every battle I fight and lose puts me back a few steps and I feel trapped and unsure where to go next, what to do, what to say, or how to deal with it. It just sucks.

Its just a shitty feeling to lack direction in life, to lack friends to count on, to be a loner who is just around to cover time others don't know what to do with. I haven't been in a relationship since 2010 and as I inch closer to 35, I see I'm going to be that person alone forever.

Life sucks, people suck. I think its time to turn back and go into my shell of hating everything and everyone around me again.

I know who I can trust, I know what I think I want, but getting it is like climbing a cliff without ropes.

Eventually I'll decide things, until then . . . the alcohol will keep me company.

- lostways27 -

Jul. 25th, 2016

- 5

As I sit here in my room, relaxing, drinking, and have the AC on behind me, I still have a lot on my mind, but I try not to think about any of it.
Its impossible to make a person, place, or idea disappear, but not thinking about it doesn't make it go away, it only delays it.

Behind every idea, there is a better idea, behind every person, there is a smarter person, or one more experienced.

Life is full of choices and as I count down the time to 10pm Saturday night when I turn 35, its scary to think that I am still where I am when I moved back home on February 16th, 2010. Everyone deserves to be happy in this world, but since then, I've been floating, like a piece of drift wood going down a little stream.

Sometimes I feel like a type random thoughts in here, but as the drinks continue, the truth comes out and it hurts those who have no souls or morals and lie to themselves in the mirror and those who used to be their friends.

I can start my own group without them, and I could shop elsewhere, but its funny everytime I go in that store I used to work in, and see how horrible it is. A bread rack in the bread aisle at 1pm and shelves empty, a dairy department in shambles, a frozen department loaded with expired products.....just sad and depressing to see how far its fallen since I left. I enjoyed a couple of customers who came up to me as I was shopping and said hi and they miss me there. But its deeper than that, its time for me to take care of me, be all about me, and let go of the past.

The more stable I get in Stones, the better and better I feel, currently on vacation, I feel better than I have in a while, but we'll see how things go once September rolls on in.

Life is full of choices and I've been narrowing down certain options out there. Whether it is work choices, friends, where to live, who to date, my life is my choice. I hate to be about myself, but for too long I've put others before me and when certain ones step on me and a few I care about, its time for a change to mix things up, put the shoe on the other foot, and move on.

I turn 35 Saturday and I didn't invite certain people because they feel like drama is part of their lives and let certain friendships ruin those they created beforehand. It doesn't matter who is friends with who. If I decided to add every girl I ever worked with or knew, its no of anyones business. My life is my life, and its said people try to corrupt and ruin others by making false accusations and assumptions about shit they know nothing about.

Last Summer was amazging, there were BBQ's, restuarants, birthday parties, and other random adventures. This year its been different, like 1 side vs another. This time last year, I planned my birthday party and had a great time at The Great Wall, Tony C's, and Kings, and it led to other nights out after it.

As I continue this week of adventures and trips down memory lane, alone I go to places I went to with others. Its sad the way things have happened, but it shows I don't need any of their negetive vibes around me. If they plan something for Friday night, I'd be shocked, but knowing them, I doubt it because they don't care about me, they care about themselves and what they can get out of it.

Life is too short to fill it with bad things, bad thoughts, drama, bad people, and just problems.

August changes everything. For now, its just wait and see and go with the flow.

Tomorrow is another day and another adventure without anyone.

I'm my own friend . . . doing things my way. . . . on my own . . . . without others who don't care about me. . . . but only with those I care about the most.

- lostways27 -

Jul. 17th, 2016

Future Uncertain

As time flies by, my future is undecided.

Today I hear from my best friend that my former store manager who finally gave me the chance to move on and pursue my goal in my career to move up says "I was from a different breed." As reality sinks in that I really am as good a worker as everyone tells me, I am thankful to surround myself with positive people who want me to rise higher and higher in the company.

There have been plenty of times since June 6th when I was driving to Yardhouse after I learned of my transfer that I wanted to stop, wanted to step down, wanted to return "Home" to Lexington, but certain people who are friends above all else, keep me focused and on the right track.

As for everything else, I am ready to move on from other areas of my life as well. I am tired of being single and tired of dating sites and random bars. I think finding the right woman is tougher now as I close in on age 35 than it was 10 years ago when I got into a relationship that I wasted 3 years of going no where with. I shouldn't say wasted because I did learn a lot in that time about myself, and Woo-town and Stones and the Readings because she was a great driver and me and my fear of highways and driving didn't see eye to eye.

I am also ready to move on and move out of this house. Its bad. I don't like to air dirty family laundry on here, but I just want to be happy in life, to be out, to be free, to not be questioned why I do certain things. I'm not 15 anymore, I have a life outside of the Internet, outside of the living room where I watch sports, and outside of the kitchen where I eat.

My 35th birthday is July 30th, a Saturday night, but I don't want drama, I don't want to hear shit from certain people about why a certain person is there, I just wish we could go back to last Summer when everyone was happy with each other and there were no problems, there were no egos, there were no battles and feuds and backstabbing. I view my birthday as the beginning of the times out together, and my birthday was above all the best because it was 3 places, The Great Wall, Tony C's, and the first time at the best place of all . . . . Kings!!

As I try and fake a smile and say everything is fine and dandy, on the outside I have the psychology background to paint a picture I want other people to see, but the reality deep inside hurts that there is drama everywhere around me, conflicts of this person vs that person, and friendships ruined because certain people believe certain people can't be friends when there is nothing going on at all and its just a bunch of bullshit.

When the day comes, July 30th, I know where I am starting my birthday, I just don't know who will show up, when, where, or even if. But I do know where I am going, what I want to do, but its just a matter of time before I pick and choose who I want to be a part of this.

Its been a long week, a week ago I was a mess, threw up on a Boston sidewalk outside Fenway Park, but those 4 people I was with took great car of me. The girl in the dirt who held me up so I didn't fall, rubbing my back pushing it out of me, the service desk lottery friend who kept encouraging me saying "You'll be fine," and the Mohegan friend and one who made sure I was sober enough to drive home after 3-5 hours of cool down time.

I just know that I have a lot of thinking to do the next few weeks, a lot of soul searching to do too.

I just want to be happy, inside and out. I am very happy that throughout my problems that I reached a goal this morning of 169 pounds. A number is just a number, but 165 will be the final destination number I think. Anything lower is probably too low, but 160 most likely ain't happening.

Believe.....Always!!

- lostways27 -

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