What do you do when you hate your job?
In college, I would always withdraw from a class I felt I'd fail or didn't like. For me, running away from a problem has always been the answer. As I sit here and type away my problems to whoever wants to read, I feel hurt, pain, rejection, and I know deep down inside I am battling some form of depression or anxiety, but I hide things good, sometimes too good.
As I listen to music and type, I love my friends who have always been there, believed in me, helped me grow, and even Sunday picked me up and kept me out of trouble when I reached the lowest part of my life.
On Sunday, I felt rejection, I hate driving to places I don't know alone. A year ago, I took a coworker to the first BBQ far far north in the state and did get lost on the way home, but felt confident I had his sleepy drunk ass in my car and I wasn't alone. On Sunday, I felt rejected, I asked 2 different people to meet me at certain places and neither side wanted to. I am thankful that I did what I did and parked where I parked because the Mohegan people are the best people, especially at dealing with overdoing things like alcohol. I spent close to 3 hours sobering up on a couch and they were both positive and helpful caring for me when I needed it the most.
I don't remember how I got outside some bar outside Fenway Park, but I shouldn't have drank after my 3rd beer at Fenway Park. I had 1 drink at Boston Beer Works, 4 or 5 inside Fenways park, and 1 and a half at a bar outside after the game. I knew I was bad after the 4th beer in the park because I didn't eat anything. Then a friend stole my phone and filled it up with 70 photos, I guess payback because I always steal her phone at other places. Not sure how much longer it was, but after I spilled my beer trying to get my phone back, I see more photos of myself with a beer that I don't even know what it was, possibly a Blue Moon because there was something floating in it. As the next part is a blur, I do remember being outside the bar with the 4 of them, someone holding me up as we leaned again a railing and I threw up and threw up, and pushed myself to throw up more. I don't know who, but someone held on to me to make sure I didn't fall into the pile. Eventually I did fall, but luckily it was towards them and away from the pile. Next, I remember the smiling driver, a great great guy who they loved who was genuinely concerned for me, and afraid I was going to throw up in his Uber car.
As we arrived back in Newton to the friends house, there was no way I could drive, let alone walk. I've never been this drunk before and they took me inside and had me sit on the couch with a big Home Depot bucket and they kept giving me water. As I sat and stared at the fishtanks, and the ceiling, I was in a way happy that they took care of me. They talked to me and eventually I could feel myself starting to snap out of it. I drank atleast 4 glasses of water, slowly over the course of the next 3 hours. I did get up and go to the bathroom, accidentally slamming the toilet seat down as I finished. And we left, headed over to Waltham for some more food. I do feel bad because I guess I was too drunk for them to eat at Fenway at the bar outside it. I'm not a fan of Mexican food, but I did have more water, a Fanta Orange, and like 3 chips before I said if I eat anymore, I know its not going to end well, and I stuck to water the rest of the night.
With that being said, I made it home safely, a long slow ride threw Watertown and Waltham along a path I was most familiar with.
Life is full of choices, but when people see you in a time of need and they are there for you til your back to normal again (or close), they are better than originally thought. A few months ago, I had a shitty time at Buffalo Wild Wings and then Kings and again somehow drank too much on an empty stomach. Its the problem that I can fix because at a July BBQ earlier this month, I had 5 beers a sip of a mixed drink, and a ton of food and was fine even though I was in a pool for a while and also had a sunburn and the sun beating down on me.
As I come to terms and understand I may have a small alcohol problem, I do know friends are there for me if I need them. Sometimes I feel they are greedy and only care about themselves, but it shows that a good time can be ruined by alcohol and I'll never be able to look back and do it again because of it.
In my life, there are so many things I wish I did differently. In 2000, I wish I quit my job, took life seriously and found a real job. I have a job that was fun, easy, simple, and loaded with friends, laughs, and good times for 16 years and then the past month has just been misery, anger, and hate. Sometimes I question if its even worth it anymore.
I'm at a point in my life where there are a lot of changes going on, but I am thankful that I have a friend who listens and gives advice anytime I need it. Some friendships are larger than work friends, and are true friends, not just co-workers anymore.
I recently started looking for potential dates again, its been a while.
I recently started looking for houses again, as I feel a stronger need to move now more than ever.
I recently started looking for yet another new job as I test the waters and see what else is out there. Although I know a promotion my lie ahead in my future, I am unsure if I will even want it when that time comes.
Its been a long month, but I don't smile as much as I used to, I don't talk to people as much as I used to, and I seem more angrier and upset more often. I just wish I could go back in time to October and change everything I've done all over again.
My goal in life is to be happy, not to grow up and be a angry person like my neighbors were growing up who didn't like anyone on their lawn.
Vacation can't come soon enough . . . . but also, so too does my 35th Birthday and I don't even know WTF I want to do for it.
Choices to be made, time will tell what direction things go in. . . .
- lostways27 -